Christmas 2000 For Us Now
I sit here now looking out the window, the rain pours down the wind blows fiercely. I went to Gary's grave or I like to call it "Gar's Patch". I fix the tossed flowers , I check the candle light, it continues to glow brightly. We think of Gary as a powerful spirit whose love radiates and continues to fill our life. I check Laura's grave our friend who minded Gary, Stephen and Lisa with the same love a mother shows for her children. All is in order. Finally I face that journey home and I am drawn to write a page to add to our site.
Its now nineteen months since Gary died and in our home we have so many discussions on what has come to be with our life since Gary passed away. For me the lessons to be learned came at such a price that it would mean Gary died for nothing if we did not learn and use that knowledge from the death of our precious son. I know that sounds very stupid to all but when I feel good about life( in my now limited capacity ) I remind myself we are not God and we can't turn the clock back . So the best I can hope for is to say that from Gary's death something good can come from it. ( I say that always knowing if I could sacrifice my life to have him here again I would.) Gary's death has shown me the love of our children is the single most precious gift that God did give to us. We knew that already but I have a deeper appreciation of that now and I shall never question the value of true family life. I can see life for what it is. Its not the be all and end all of everything but the start of a journey, the great mystery of life. I do not have that knowledge to argue my case I can only accept what my heart now tells me and know Gary's death enriched my life to such an extent it has influenced how I shall live to the end of my days.
In the past I looked at books and read articles about death and dying and how it has been for so many in the past. I did wonder if there was a " Do It Yourself "type book to read on how to survive the death of your child. A book to make life easier to accept the death of a child. I have not found such a book and I hope it shall never be written because the death of our precious children cannot be summized in any book or put into simple words when it has such a profound affect on us.
What was December 2000 like for us? Better than last year I can say without doubt. But not as good as the times when Gary lived amongst us. They were our good old days when we laughed without reservation or the lingering thoughts that dwell in our heads now. The missing of Gary is hard at this time as it is for all who have lost a loved one. Christmas is a magic time of the year when all your family are with you to share it but when your child has died a lot of that magic goes it is just life the wrapping paper that comes with the gifts you don't notice it. We are so glad to have shared the years we did with Gary and both Christine and I are lucky to have Stephen and Lisa to remind of that love which Gary gave to us.
I have always felt I cannot give advice to any bereaved parent I only know how life has been for us but if I could give advice it would be to give hope when all seems so down. Life can take on a worthwhile meaning again but may take a long time to find. Each day is one day extra to remember our children to tell the world about our precious children, and to know they can still live on in us and help to guide our lives.
If I have hurt anyone by my words please, please know that I mean to cause no hurt or pain but I try desperately to give hope for the future when all else is so dark. Take care and may you have peace in your life.