August 2000The month of August was the start of the Premier League in English football. This was what Gary loved to write about and devote his time to. I have mentioned it before and I suppose its how we shall remember Gary best of all. He was happiest looking at the football and following his favorite team Liverpool.
Tonight as I sit and write this piece its almost fifteen months since Gary passed on and I must think of the happy times. We all miss Gary so much, his friendly face with his big smile, his sense of humor, his cleverness , the love he had for his family. It certainly breaks our hearts. I think of those times Stephen and I kicked ball out in the field where once Gary, Stephen and I played. Now I enjoy playing with Stephen and Lisa and with my eyes shut I imagine looking out on that field and see our big boy running about and chasing the ball and shouting for it to be passed to him. We think back on those times with such fondness and till the day we die we shall remember Gary and his gentle ways and his great love for his family.
Today we visited our local beach just like so many times when Gary was here. The beach was one of the hardest places to revisit after Gary died. Although its still difficult to visit it brings us joy to see Stephen and Lisa play and we must feel Gary's spirit runs freely about with them. This also was the month we picked " Blackberries " in the fields where we live, I think of Gary this month picking those berries and bringing them home to eat with his favorite ice-cream.
Gary let the football begin and lets look out for Liverpool I hope they do better this season who knows but one sure thing they have a great spirit looking after them now .
August 2001Once again it has taken a while to get to writing my thought for a new month. This month we are getting ready for school and a birthday in our little family. I forgot to mention the start of the football season. I think of my birthday and how I shall not get a card from Gary. The rice crispy buns his favorite and of course the Walls Ice-cream I have mentioned that before no doubt and I am always slow to read my thoughts of past months it brings pain to re-read them I am glad to have left those times behind to live on. I remember the pain of searching for help to ease the great pain we felt. Searching that someone someplace could give us something to keep going , to make it better. Two years and almost three months and we still search but not with the devastating pain we knew then. When I think back to the time Gary passed I never thought life could pick up or indeed if I could ever enjoy life again. I know that when faced with the great loss it seems the whole world is a terrible place to live. I could never listen or like to be told that I could get our life back together when Gary is not here amongst us but slowly most of the pieces come together for us to continue.
I look in our local papers and see parents faced with the loss of their child and I say to myself if only I could tell them it will be ok. But it didn't work like that for me. Life before Gary died was so very simple, so predictable. But now I look on life as such a complex series of events and a great journey of learning also a gift to be treasured. Yes I would always trade it for our old life with Gary but it shall never happen and I know we will suffer even more to keep thinking those thoughts.
I thank all those I have met over the past couple of years who have listened to me and especially those on the net.
Its has been a great comfort to me to always know out on the " World Wide Web " there are so many who do care for what you say and who take the time to tell you that. I hope if anyone is faced with the loss of a child to know there are people out there who do care and will always care.
August 2002 this is the month that Gary would have got his end of school exam results. I know this would have been a great time in his life as it was the start of a new life, leaving home and living away, a difficult time but yet a step that is there and must be taken. I wonder what Gary would have chosen as his career in life and now I know that really it is of so little consequence, just to see the children grow up happy and safe is all we shall ever hope for. Time has passed by soon it shall be four years since Gary died, I sat at Gary's graveside and just thought in the years ahead 2005 if Gary had lived he would be twenty years old instead when that year comes Gary shall have gone six years. Time that bloody time we wonder about and it is beyond our control. I look at Gary's photograph and the happy boy we loved so much who enjoyed the " footy ", today the Premier League has once again started and that would have been more important to him than the exam results. Good old Gary. How it took so little to make him happy and how he loved his family that shall always be on my mind forever. Its hard to write exactly how to feel now everday a reminder but yet you must continue and try to do a good job of it all.
This evening the news is not good about the two young girls Holly and Jessica who have been abducted in their village of Soham and now the search is no longer needed. They are the victims of evil and today my heart was broken for the parents and family and friends of the little girls. When I think of how our lives were when Gary died I know it must be so much harder for them. May God help them and may our God help us when we are amongst such evil people who can harm young children. My thoughts are for them.
August 2003 Today I decided it was time to write some more in my pages to Gary. I have neglected my site to Gary for the past couple of months but I am ok with that. Time has marched on and it's almost four and half years since Gary passed. My thoughts now remind of the advice people offered me. The general advice was to " move on " . I could never offer such advice to any person faced with the loss of a loved one because there is no single good time to move on. For me this moving on came so gradually that I have almost missed it happening. It was over the last year I would imagine. But I am not sure if it has the same meaning for me as it was first intended.
I came to a state of mind where I say that time has beaten me, I am not able to live life as I had done in the past especially the time when Gary died. I went each day to graveside, trying to feel I had work to continue for Gary. I used different words to describe how I felt to protect myself from the pain of losing Gary I suppose my mind was trying desperately to protect the body from any harm. When I think back on those awful days of dispair my heart aches once again.
What would my thoughts be if Gary were alive today I suppose it would be to know he was happy in what he finally was doing in life. I imagine what he must be doing now and I only hope things are good for him. I always look forward to the day when we meet again but as I have said before I shall not rush into that life is not so bad now. I always sink back and imagine what life would be like if Gary were alive today I know I would not be writing this website. If you are reading this perhaps you arrived here through the death of a loved one especially a child my thoughts are with all those parents who must face the daily struggle to learn to live life again.
We send our love out to Gary and to all who face the loss of a child.
All our love Brendan and Christine