At Christmas Time ,
People go to sleep wondering what will be
under the tree the next morning.
At Christmas Time,
We don't seem to have one bit of
sorrowfulness about Africa.
At Christmas Time,
Jesus was born in Bethlehem.
All of these we take for granted.
Christmas 2000 I sit here now looking out the window, the rain pours down the wind blows fiercely. I went to Gary's grave or I like to call it "Gar's Patch". I fix the tossed flowers , I check the candle light, it continues to glow brightly. We think of Gary as a powerful spirit whose love radiates and continues to fill our life. I check Laura's grave our friend who minded Gary, Stephen and Lisa with the same love a mother shows for her children. All is in order. Finally I face that journey home and I am drawn to write a page to add to our site.
Its now nineteen months since Gary died and in our home we have so many discussions on what has come to be with our life since Gary passed away. For me the lessons to be learned came at such a price that it would mean Gary died for nothing if we did not learn and use that knowledge from the death of our precious son. I know that sounds very stupid to all but when I feel good about life( in my now limited capacity ) I remind myself we are not God and we can't turn the clock back . So the best I can hope for is to say that from Gary's death something good can come from it. ( I say that always knowing if I could sacrifice my life to have him here again I would.) Gary's death has shown me the love of our children is the single most precious gift that God did give to us. We knew that already but I have a deeper appreciation of that now and I shall never question the value of true family life. I can see life for what it is. Its not the be all and end all of everything but the start of a journey, the great mystery of life. I do not have that knowledge to argue my case I can only accept what my heart now tells me and know Gary's death enriched my life to such an extent it has influenced how I shall live to the end of my days.
In the past I looked at books and read articles about death and dying and how it has been for so many in the past. I did wonder if there was a " Do It Yourself "type book to read on how to survive the death of your child. A book to make life easier to accept the death of a child. I have not found such a book and I hope it shall never be written because the death of our precious children cannot be summized in any book or put into simple words when it has such a profound affect on us.
What was December 2000 like for us? Better than last year I can say without doubt. But not as good as the times when Gary lived amongst us. They were our good old days when we laughed without reservation or the lingering thoughts that dwell in our heads now. The missing of Gary is hard at this time as it is for all who have lost a loved one. Christmas is a magic time of the year when all your family are with you to share it but when your child has died a lot of that magic goes it is just life the wrapping paper that comes with the gifts you don't notice it. We are so glad to have shared the years we did with Gary and both Christine and I are lucky to have Stephen and Lisa to remind of that love which Gary gave to us.
I have always felt I cannot give advice to any bereaved parent I only know how life has been for us but if I could give advice it would be to give hope when all seems so down. Life can take on a worthwhile meaning again but may take a long time to find. Each day is one day extra to remember our children to tell the world about our precious children, and to know they can still live on in us and help to guide our lives.
If I have hurt anyone by my words please, please know that I mean to cause no hurt or pain but I try desperately to give hope for the future when all else is so dark. Take care and may you have peace in your life.
December 2001 Christmas month has arrived. One of the hardest month to face without Gary. Again I wonder what will Christmas bring for us. I hope it brings peace and joy to us and that's all I ask for.
Next week on the fourteenth we have our Candle Light Service in our local church. We look forward to it very much it shall give us a chance to especially remember Gary and all the children who have died. We can share a little of Gary. I look around me and see so many who don't know what's it's like to have lost a child and to have to live on. I think they are so lucky some don't really know how lucky they are but we also lucky in a different way. It has thought me how precious life is and worthwhile living, I am never able to express what I mean here but take it from me life is special something I forgot when Gary died two and half years ago and I didn't think I could ever live again. I would not trade my life now with anyone, we had fourteen wonderful years with Gary and I shall always be glad of that and the happy memories we shared. I try to think of that saying "it is better to have lived and loved ....... (if you know the rest please let me know) but you know what I mean. We did not choose our path through life but I know now to try to live it the best I can. I still fail a lot but I do try and never forget that which Gary's passing has thought me. A great part of my life is to honour and remember our precious son Gary and to live life the way he would wish us, the way we did before his passing.
From Christine, myself and our family I wish you a peaceful Christmas and if I may I hope for a little joy in all our lives. Take care.
December 2002 December the time of year you either hate or love for so many reasons. I am glad to be able to share Christmas with my family hopefully. However with the death of Gary it has brought mixed feelings. I still think of of our last Christmas and we didn't even know. I hope it can be a happy Christmas, I know as Santa Claus makes his journey and the toys arrive on Christmas day I shall be thinking of Gary and how he loved that time and how he looked forward to the toys and games Santa brought, one big happy family. If I had one wish I would wish to have Gary back. I think as long as I live I shall always wish to have Gary back. But I know that shall never happen so instead I wish we can be happy and live life to the full in Gary's honour and for our own sake. Harder said than done but that's what life is about I think. It's early December I am not sure if I will return to this page but in case I don't may I make another wish and that is that all who have come to know the pain of grief can find some peace this Christmas take care and all our love.
I have come back to this page its just after Christmas. I know people say it's a relief for Christmas day to be over. I am glad the children got their their toys and to see the happiness is a joy in itself but I just miss the big boy we knew who loved Christmas so much and the joy he brought. While taking photo's at seven o' clock I just thought Gary was not here and was sad for a while. I am sure for all of us who have lost a child Christmas shall be a reminder forever but I have said in the past they are worth all the pain and the tears and I can live with that. To Gary we send all our love.
December2008 Its the month of December here once again they say there is a recession on. For so long and I think even now I don't really care about recessions and the like. Money does not hold my attention just so long as we can get bye on what we have and that we all are fit and healthy that is really what its all about.
The living room finally got a make over in the last week. Not what you might see on the tv but its a new look for us. We might even light the fire after almost nineteen years. We thougth about that first Christmas when Gary had died and we remembered how awful it was to open the living room door without Gary there to go in and check out his pile of gifts from Santa Claus. But time marches on for us all and a long time ago we learned thats the way it must be and besides life would be very difficult if we continued to live in past and do what we know Gary would want for us all. To any parents out there who may come accross this page and who have child have died I hope you can find peace at Christmas for you and all your family.