January 2002 It's now a couple of weeks into the new year of 2002. It was on my mind to write my thought for this month of January for Gary's website and the thought that troubles me is that memories of Gary slowly drift into the past. I know certainly at the beginning when Gary left that thought horrified me and somehow it insulted my memory of Gary. Almost three years later I know that for life to continue how I handle Gary's passing must change. A difficult, slow and very painful process. I feel I am on a predictable passage through life with the ending written for me.
I watched a program lately with Michael Palin on a journey called "Pole to Pole". It showed clearly no matter what planning and thought goes into a journey things will and do go wrong. Sometimes the end may not be reached but I know one thing for sure Gary left such an impact, it has shown the importance of our lives and how we live that life is the important thing.
I hope we can all reach our journey and life's experiences are not so difficult in the future.
January 2003 Just another year I keep saying to myself and whatever it might bring. I just don't know what I would like it to bring but I always hope things can be ok and at least stay the way they are or improve somehow. I see the years go bye sometimes quickly sometimes too slow but this is to be our fourth year without Gary. Stephen and Lisa have gotten older. I know at least two of those years I cannot remember too clearly the grief of loosing Gary took me over completely and I know I was lost on my journey.I visited Gary's grave today. The evenings are too dark now to visit when work is over and its usually raining. I remember those first few years visiting the grave regardless of time day or night and even the weather did not matter too much then. I think the passage of time has a way of catching up with you even though you fight hard against it, it manages to grind you down. Now I visit when I can but it does not bother me if I don't get there visiting the grave will never bring Gary back and at least now I know my memories are with me forever. The calendar of time turns around again for us all. I hope life can be kind to us all and I hope the madness of war does not become a reality this year. Take care and may I wish you all a peaceful new year and I hope some happiness comes into all our lives in the new year ahead.